Trying to Reconcile with Pennsylvania

Photo: The Tobester above Logan Pass, Glacier National Park, Montana

I feel bad. I really do. Back in July, which seems like years ago, I made some disparaging comments about Pennsylvania. You may remember them. You may even remember that I touted the likes of Missouri over the Keystone State. And I meant it. Can't say I have it in me to change my opinion right now, but I have been left feeling sorta sorry about what I did say.

So that got me to thinking. And when I get to thinking, well, not much good can come of it. In fact, when I get to thinking, one of three outcomes is possible: 1.) I'll get even more negative about something I'm already feeling negative about. 2.) I'll be up all night and not get enough sleep and wake up ornery. Or 3.) I'll invade Russia from the West and fail to supply my troops with enough adequate winter gear for when they become bogged down in the autumn mud on the approach to Moscow.

Wait. That wasn't me. That was Napoleon. Or was it Hitler? Anyway, who cares? I'll bet neither of those guys had much good to say about Pennsylvania either.

No. I got to thinking about the home of the Phillies, the Steelers, and Cheesesteak. And when I got to thinking about Cheesesteak, I got to thinking about something good. Something delicious. Something mouthwatering. Something that has some redeeming value (except for all the clogged arteries, stained shirts, and endless debate about where to get the best).

So here are a few things I like about Pennsylvania and one thing I hope to like about Pennsylvania some day soon:

• Cheesesteak
• The Steelers
• Eat'n Park
• Trout Waters

That last one is the one I hope to find out about real soon.

But now that I look at my list, I wonder what happened to all those good things I considered as we drove through Pennsylvania in the rain on Monday. There seemed to be so many more things. So I just popped on over to Google and here are a few more items to list among the Pros of Pennsylvania:

• Daniel Boone
• Rachel Carson
• Bill Cosby
• Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey
• Gene Kelly
• Tara Lipinski (nah, just kidding)
• Margaret Mead and Tom Mix (salute!)
• Man Ray
• Andrew Wyeth
• Jimmy Stewart

Of course, I should also point out the whole thing about the Constitution being written there blah blah blah as well as the Declaration of Independence blah blah blah and Lincoln delivering his address at Gettysburg blah blah blah. But these three things had little to do with Pennsylvania (well, ok, Lincoln's Danbury Address would have lacked some oomph). Really, Jefferson could have written his stuff in Schenectady and we'd all still be free, happy Americans.

But let's all raise a cheer for Pennsylvania's State Fish, the Brook Trout. Hip hip hooray! And it has two whole counties without traffic lights (because no one stops at intersections?). On the downside, the state has 50 lakes and 2,500 man-made lakes. What's up with that?

And for you gourmands, please note that Pennsylvania leads the United States in scrapple production. Mmmmm mmmmmm (barf). Yes, I know. Spam. I love Spam. But Spam is not scrapple. I'll spample Spam, but I refuse to sample scrapple. Again I say, "Barf."

Residents of Idaho take note: Pennsylvania claims to lead the country in Potato Chip production. When the chips are made of scrapple, watch out, America.

I'll wrap up here with one more shining example of the greatness which can flourish in the cesspool that is Pennsylvania, proving that the most beautiful flowers are born in the stinkiest gardens: Fred Rogers. Sainthood cannot come too soon for the late Mr. Rogers, tireless educator of people (not just children) and tireless proponent of Public Television and this country's need for it.

The following excerpt from Wikipedia tells all:

In 1969, Rogers appeared before the United States Senate Subcommittee on Communications. His goal was to support funding for PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, in response to significant proposed cuts. In about five minutes of testimony, Rogers spoke of the need for social and emotional education that public television provided. He passionately argued that alternative television programming like his Neighborhood helped encourage children to become happy and productive citizens, sometimes opposing less positive messages in media and in popular culture. He even recited the lyrics to one of his songs.

The chairman of the subcommittee, John O. Pastore, was not previously familiar with Rogers' work, and was sometimes described as gruff and impatient. However, he reported that the testimony had given him goosebumps, and declared, "Looks like you just earned the $20 million." The subsequent congressional appropriation, for 1971, increased PBS funding from $9 million to $22 million.

Thank you, Pennsylvania, for Fred Rogers. Looks like I owe you at least a small apology.

Now let's talk about Rocky Balboa. (barf)